Blogpost #2: Resolving Interpersonal Conflict

Yes, the juicy blogpost. It is finally here. Everyone likes a good drama. Me too actually. But drama is horrible especially when it happens to you. Worse is when it involves the ones you really care about. But conflict is not always bad. I think to myself, yes, of course I would have liked to avoid this big mess but what would have happened if I did? Would I still realize all this that I know now? About myself, my friends and the relationship we share. In a way, this conflict provided the opportunity (or catalyst) to greater self-discovery and better understanding of others. It initiated the change needed in the friendship and I honestly believe that it was because of the conflict and resolution that M and I are even closer friends than before. However, in the case of A, our relationship has pretty much deteriorated. In the end, this conflict may not have been the experience I wanted, but it was definitely the experience I needed.

So, up till now, you would have most probably gotten the idea that this conflict involves a person named M, a person named A and myself. And that the conflict has been resolved (although that is besides the point here). Before I proceed further, let me tell you a bit more about the parties involved. A is my best friend and simply put one of the most important people to me. However, I had fought and fallen out with A many times over the course of our friendship. Our fights always exhibited the same recurring pattern, A would pick a fight with me, I would get pissed, he would be insulting and disrespectful. We would ignore each other for a few days to a week or two and he would resume talking to me as if nothing had ever happened. I have tried to employ a more collaborative or compromising approach and work things out with him after the argument however he avoid the issue altogether which was very frustrating. In this particular episode, A accused me of being superficial as I liked to look at eye-candy (i.e. cute guys walking around school) every now and then eventhough he too occasionally gushes at his own form of eye-candy. I felt that this attitude was very hypocritical and being pretty comfortable with him already, I was very frank and just told him to quit it and talk to me once he felt I was worth his respect. 

The next character would be M, a friend of mine whom I had introduced to A and the 3 of us became really good friends within a few months. M was to a certain extent, pretty apathetic. He seemed to lack social intuition and came off as someone who lacked consideration towards others. M has a bad habit of bailing on appointments at the last minute. I had a fight with A and my argument with M over this particular habit happened a week later. He ditched me to attend a talk with A and I was disappointed in him for treating me in such manner. I felt as if I meant nothing as a friend and that this friendship was a lie. There was no trust, honesty, sincerity nor transparency. The disappointment and frustration turned into anger. I confronted M and without giving him a chance to reply, blocked him. 

I had never felt so much anger in my entire life. I was so angry that I blocked A and M from ALL communication channels. I was convinced I was better off without them and I never wanted to have anything to do with them ever again. I distracted myself by focusing on my studies and my other friends. I was angry for a very long time. However, slowly the anger faded and I came to realize that I did still care for them and that they were very important to me. Realizing this made me feel stupid and helpless. I felt that I had no self-worth or integrity in allowing them to mean so much to me after meaning nothing to them. I was conflicted as to what I should feel and this caused me a lot of stress.

At this point, some of my friends started to approach me about talking things out with M. They told me (on separate occasions) that M had approached them and that he was truly concerned for my well-being. However, I was aware that I was not yet ready enough to talk things out with him. I knew that if I was still angry, any attempts to resolve the issue would come to naught as I would still be extremely emotionally invested and my reasoning clouded. I decided to give myself time to calm down and reflect upon the whole entire process. I needed to do this as I had problems communicating personal topics and if I did not know exactly what was what, the communication would be very messy and might result in further miscommunication. Once I felt that I was calm enough and understood fully what my perception of the entire episode, I proceeded to unblock A and M. However, I was not sure if they were ready to talk to me, and thus I waited for them to make the first move. 

M jumped at the opportunity the moment he realized he could get hold of me. He politely asked if we could talk about the conflict as he did not understand what had caused it and was very worried. I allowed him to explain the issue from his point of view and I did not interrupt him until he was done. He then allowed me to do the same. M then explained that he was clearly unaware that I had felt that way I did and he admitted that he had been disrespectful as he failed to consider my perspective. I also apologized because I was too at fault for losing my temper. M then asked something that surprised me; “what can I do to make it better for you?” 

At that point, it felt as if reality had just slapped me in the face. Nobody has ever asked me that before and I just realized how important a question it was. I realized that I had never been mad with M before and he was just unfortunate to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. The person that was truly angry and disappointed with was A.  M’s small mistake pushed me over the cliff of pent-up negative emotions towards A over the last 3 years and as a result, he bore the brunt of my anger despite his mistake being relatively petty. I felt so ashamed of myself for the way I handled the situation. I had allowed my anger to get the better of me, to allow me to be judgmental and short-sighted, to think only of myself while M, the ‘apathetic’ one, reached out his hand and offered his efforts to go beyond just remediating the situation but to improve it. I felt like a failure. It was frightening.

That sudden realization forced me into a situation where I had to either come to terms with myself or risk sinking into depression. I was truly blessed as M was constantly there with me as I struggled with my inner self as well as patching things up with A (currently still on-going). One of my biggest takeaways from this experience was how important congruency of conflict management styles is to remediating a situation. It was easier to patch things up with M because he was willing to compromise and collaborate with me to find common ground. However, the opposite occurred with A. His constant attempts to avoid resolution resulted in me complying and avoiding the issue as well. I mistook it as tolerance and patience but what really happened was that I ended-up conflicting with myself and I became passive aggressive from all the pent-up unresolved conflicts with A that spilled over to M. Another thing I took away was that it is practically impossible to think straight and make rational decisions with an angry mind. Like they say, anger is when your mouth works faster than your brain. I realized how important it was to remain calm when faced with a conflict or crisis. If I had kept my cool, I could have reasoned it all out with him right there and then instead of 2-3 months down the road. If I was aware of all this at that point in time I would have reacted differently to the conflict. To think I had come that close to throwing EVERYTHING that meant the world to me way in a moment of rage. I was lucky that it could still be salvaged. For quite a number of people, this mistake during that point of conflict can never be taken back and will break bonds that will never be fixed.

So, yes, this is basically as far as the conflict goes. As I have admitted above, I have problems communicating with others especially when it involves something or someone very personal to me. Also, regardless of having ALL the knowledge about how to handle conflicts professionally and what would be the best course of action to take in order to get a shot at the best possible outcome, when you are angry, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and everything you know just gets thrown out the window! As for the question, well, here it is. I feel that it is a tad bit difficult a question tho.
 

"A and I have fought numerous times and for the first few times, I have told him off gently. As time passes, the gentler approach does not seem to have an effect so I went for the more frank and firm approach. But despite the approach, the conflict STILL happens! Clearly, regardless of the empathetic or frank approach, the message does not seem to be communicated. What do you suggest the approach should be then?"

P.S.: If you have made it here, thank you for taking time to read this EXTREMELY long post which is most probably more suited for an Aunty Agony column.

Have a Blessed Chinese New Year (: