Yes, the juicy blogpost. It is finally here. Everyone likes a good drama. Me too actually. But drama is horrible especially when it happens to you. Worse is when it involves the ones you really care about. But conflict
is not always bad. I think to myself, yes, of course I would have liked to
avoid this big mess but what would have happened if I did? Would I still
realize all this that I know now? About myself, my friends and the relationship
we share. In a way, this conflict provided
the opportunity (or catalyst) to greater self-discovery and better
understanding of others. It initiated
the change needed in the friendship and I honestly believe that it was
because of the conflict and resolution that M and I are even closer friends
than before. However, in the case of A, our relationship has pretty much deteriorated. In the end, this conflict may not have been the experience I
wanted, but it was definitely the experience I needed.
So, up till now, you would have most probably gotten the idea that this conflict involves a person named M, a person named A and myself. And that the conflict has been resolved (although that is besides the point here). Before I
proceed further, let me tell you a bit more about the parties involved. A is my best friend
and simply put one of the most important people to me. However, I had fought
and fallen out with A many times over
the course of our friendship. Our fights always exhibited the same recurring
pattern, A would pick a fight with
me, I would get pissed, he would be insulting and disrespectful. We would
ignore each other for a few days to a week or two and he would resume talking
to me as if nothing had ever happened. I have tried to employ a more
collaborative or compromising approach and work things out with him after the
argument however he avoid the issue altogether which was very frustrating. In this particular episode, A accused me of being superficial as I liked to look at eye-candy (i.e. cute guys walking around school) every now and then eventhough he too occasionally gushes at his own form of eye-candy. I felt that this attitude was very hypocritical and being pretty comfortable with him already, I was very frank and just told him to quit it and talk to me once he felt I was worth his respect.
The next character
would be M, a friend of mine whom I
had introduced to A and the 3 of us
became really good friends within a few months. M was to a certain extent, pretty apathetic. He seemed to lack
social intuition and came off as someone who lacked consideration towards
others. M has a bad habit of bailing on
appointments at the last minute. I had a fight with A and my argument with M
over this particular habit happened a week later. He ditched me to attend a
talk with A and I was disappointed in
him for treating me in such manner. I felt as if I meant nothing as a friend
and that this friendship was a lie. There was no trust, honesty, sincerity nor
transparency. The disappointment
and frustration turned into anger. I confronted M and without giving him a chance to reply, blocked him.
I had never
felt so much anger in my entire life. I was so angry that I blocked A and M from ALL communication channels. I was convinced I was better off
without them and I never wanted to have anything to do with them ever again. I distracted
myself by focusing on my studies and my other friends. I was angry for a very
long time. However, slowly the anger faded and I came to realize that I did
still care for them and that they were very important to me. Realizing this
made me feel stupid and helpless. I felt that I had no self-worth or integrity
in allowing them to mean so much to me after meaning nothing to them. I was conflicted as to what I should feel
and this caused me a lot of stress.
At this point,
some of my friends started to approach me about talking things out with M. They told me (on separate occasions)
that M had approached them and that
he was truly concerned for my well-being. However, I was aware that I was not yet ready enough to talk things out
with him. I knew that if I was still angry, any attempts to resolve the issue
would come to naught as I would still be extremely emotionally invested and my reasoning clouded. I decided to give myself time to calm down and reflect upon the whole
entire process. I needed to do this as I had problems communicating personal
topics and if I did not know exactly what was what, the communication would be
very messy and might result in further miscommunication. Once I felt that I was
calm enough and understood fully what my perception of the entire episode, I
proceeded to unblock A and M. However, I was not sure if they were
ready to talk to me, and thus I waited for them to make the first move.
M jumped at the
opportunity the moment he realized he could get hold of me. He politely asked
if we could talk about the conflict as he did not understand what had caused it
and was very worried. I allowed him to explain the issue from his point of view
and I did not interrupt him until he was done. He then allowed me to do the
same. M then explained that he was
clearly unaware that I had felt that way I did and he admitted that he had been
disrespectful as he failed to consider my perspective. I also apologized because
I was too at fault for losing my temper. M
then asked something that surprised me; “what can I do to make it better for you?”
At that point,
it felt as if reality had just slapped me in the face. Nobody has ever asked me
that before and I just realized how important a question it was. I realized
that I had never been mad with M
before and he was just unfortunate to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
The person that was truly angry and disappointed with was A. M’s small mistake pushed me over the cliff of pent-up negative
emotions towards A over the last 3
years and as a result, he bore the brunt of my anger despite his mistake being
relatively petty. I felt so ashamed of myself for the way I handled the
situation. I had allowed my anger to get
the better of me, to allow me to be judgmental
and short-sighted, to think only of
myself while M, the ‘apathetic’ one,
reached out his hand and offered his efforts to go beyond just remediating the
situation but to improve it. I felt like a failure. It was frightening.
That sudden
realization forced me into a situation where I had to either come to terms with
myself or risk sinking into depression. I was truly blessed as M was constantly there with me as I
struggled with my inner self as well as patching things up with A (currently still on-going). One of my
biggest takeaways from this experience was how
important congruency of conflict management styles is to remediating a
situation. It was easier to patch things up with M because he was willing to compromise and collaborate with me to
find common ground. However, the opposite occurred with A. His constant attempts to avoid resolution resulted in me
complying and avoiding the issue as well. I mistook it as tolerance and
patience but what really happened was that I ended-up conflicting with myself
and I became passive aggressive from
all the pent-up unresolved conflicts with A
that spilled over to M. Another thing I took away was that it is practically impossible to think straight
and make rational decisions with an angry mind. Like they say, anger is
when your mouth works faster than your brain. I realized how important it was to
remain calm when faced with a
conflict or crisis. If I had kept my cool, I could have reasoned it all out
with him right there and then instead of 2-3 months down the road. If I was
aware of all this at that point in time I would have reacted differently to the
conflict. To think I had come that close to throwing EVERYTHING that meant the
world to me way in a moment of rage. I was lucky that it could still be
salvaged. For quite a number of people, this mistake during that point of
conflict can never be taken back and will break bonds that will never be fixed.
So, yes, this is basically as far as the conflict goes. As I have admitted above, I have problems communicating with others especially when it involves something or someone very personal to me. Also, regardless of having ALL the knowledge about how to handle conflicts professionally and what would be the best course of action to take in order to get a shot at the best possible outcome, when you are angry, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and everything you know just gets thrown out the window! As for the question, well, here it is. I feel that it is a tad bit difficult a question tho.
"A and I have fought numerous times and for the first few times, I have told him off gently. As time passes, the gentler approach does not seem to have an effect so I went for the more frank and firm approach. But despite the approach, the conflict STILL happens! Clearly, regardless of the empathetic or frank approach, the message does not seem to be communicated. What do you suggest the approach should be then?"
P.S.: If you have made it here, thank you for taking time to read this EXTREMELY long post which is most probably more suited for an Aunty Agony column.
Have a Blessed Chinese New Year (:
